Fitness, Fatness, and Happiness

So, it's the new year (9 days in actually) and many Americans are looking at their health (aka their waistlines) and thinking about making changes. A great deal of them have actual good intentions. Unfortunately, this will last until about February. They then pick back up around the time that the weather starts to get a little warmer and people realize they might actually have to reveal parts of their bodies to the world. In this way I am a typical American. I have struggled with weight issues and the self esteem issues that go along with it for my entire life.

I remember very vividly when I was a girl of maybe 13 or 14 and my mother was (with very good intentions) telling me not to buy a particular piece of clothing because it made my stomach look fat. I know now that she was trying to give me some basic fashion advice, namely don't buy something that doesn't flatter the figure that you have, but the message that I got was that I was fat and that being fat was bad. Now, this is not to say that my mother was the only one telling me this. The idea that being even slightly overweight is disgusting and that those who are overweight are lazy slobs who could look like supermodels if they just put in the time/energy is something that is propagated endlessly by the media of this country. I just remember being hurt that my own mother thought the same of me. If my mother thought I was fat (and therefore disgusting and lazy) what must other people think of me?

I saw myself then as undesirable and went to great lengths to do what I could to compensate. I read books and focused on school, I became sexually active earlier than I would like to admit, and I tried to surround myself with people who could validate that I was neither disgusting or lazy. You can probably imagine that this time in my life was not the happiest. I made many poor choices that I can now say were at least in part due to my desire to be validated as a person who could be valued and loved. This left me wide open to being victimized by less than well meaning boys. I have come to find that not all boys ONLY want one thing (although I am hard pressed to believe a boy would turn it down if offered) but there are defiantly those who would take advantage of a girl who confuses physical intimacy with validation and/or love.

Many years later I met a remarkable guy who told me a secret. He told me that many men (likely the majority) didn't want me to look like a supermodel! He remarked that the women who are supermodels have entirely different body types from the women who feature in pornography. It stands to reason, he pointed out, that this means men are more sexually attracted to women who have higher body fat percentages (curves). It likely says something that this guy is now the man to whom I am married. His views, his honesty, and his seemingly unconditional love (well, there are some conditions like monogamy, but hey its as close as you get in a relationship) helped me build a sense of self esteem. I started to be happy with how I looked.

Now, you might be asking what this all has to do with fitness? Well, once I got comfortable with how I looked I kinda stopped caring about what I ate and how my body looked like. People make jokes about women getting married and ending up fat. I was already on the slippery slope into obesity (college was a real bad time for my eating/fitness habits) and the love of my boyfriend (now husband) just kept me complacent. By the time we graduated we were both fat. I'm not talking a little fat I'm talking 240lbs fat! Ok, on my six foot frame I was only a size 18 jeans which many women actually aspire to. I understand that, but the doctors charts called me obese and I didn't want to shop for clothes. I needed to get myself together!

Since that time I have gone up and down and fought great battles with weight. I have tried several diets including slimfast, and weight watchers. I have tried several different activities for reaching my fitness goals including running, swimming, aerobics, bellydance, and yoga. The problem becomes maintaining my motivation. I know that I feel better about myself when I am a healthy weight, I know that I like the feeling of being fit and being able to use my muscles. However, even when I was at my thinnest (180lbs size 12) I wasn't completely happy. Here I was being fed the American dream that all you need is to be thin and you will be happy, but I got thin and IT WAS A LIE!! So, what do I do now? Why do I continue to fight the urge to eat my way back to obesity? If fitness can't buy you happiness then what good is it? I'm not sure, but for reasons unknown I continue to fight. Perhaps it isn't about being completely happy but happier that I otherwise would be. Oh well.